I prefer to remain anonymous for now, but go by TWT on the blog. I transitioned MTF at age 19, and retransitioned to male presentation at age 39. I never imagined that this would happen, as I believed that I had an essential female identity that required me to transition both socially and physically. However, there was always a part of me that was still restless, even after transitioning.
Transitioning solved certain problems. I was a little more comfortable in my body, although I still had dysphoria and frustration at how it was not possible to fully transform my body. In addition, I was wracked with tension, and had difficulty forming relationships. The pain that I felt motivated a 20 year long spiritual and psychological journey which took me through the pagan community, meditation, somatic dance practices, psychotherapy and eventually receiving an MA in Counseling Psychology and changing careers to become a psychotherapist.
As I began to let go of dissociation and connect to my body I became more sensitive to its processes and inner workings. I discovered that much of my tension was caused by holding my body in ways to appear more female, and that attempting to speak in a voice that would be perceived as female was inauthentic. This process further accelerated during my training as a therapist where I learned to use my body as an instrument. This made me more sensitive to the dissonance in my body created by my attempts to be perceived as a woman.
Further, after stopping estrogen, I discovered that many long standing problems such as brain fog, fatigue, emotional sensitivity and social anxiety were diminished or eliminated. I began on testosterone which restored my vitality. Things are not perfect, as it is impossible to replicate the natural cycle of a complex endocrine system using external hormones but they are still much better than they were.
I then worked through a lot of trauma in therapy and discovered that I could be comfortable with presenting male after all, and that it was good to let go of the need of be seen as female. Much to my surprise it was possible to become okay with being seen as male, because it does not limit me from being who I am. I wish I could have saved myself all of this trouble and worked through these issues psychologically and I am concerned that the psychological community does not present this possibility.
For more of my personal journey go here