19 comments

  1. TWT… you know I (Felix Conrad, sorry I don’t have my own facebook) love you and think you are one of the best bloggers out there on trans issues. But, are you aware who these people are? Neither you or me accept the classic trans narrative… and that’s what makes us original… but these guys are haters… just look at their website detailing famous cases of autogynephiliac rapists. On a different note…. great to see you in the flesh…

    1. I don’t agree with everything Mark and Lynna have to say (I don’t agree with everything *anyone* has to say, I shouldn’t even have to say that), however I don’t think they are “haters”. Mark and Lynna provide a valuable platform for people that are silenced by the rest of the community to have a voice. I don’t know if you are aware but Mark once had different views that were more in line with the community before he changed them (he did many shows before that time as well) and the amount of abuse that him and Lynna received was tremendous.

      A lot of people who become gender critical for one reason or another are often quite angry and I can complete understand it, I feel angry about the whole thing too a lot of the time, but my primary goal is to help people deal with dysphoria better and I definitely don’t want to attack the people that are dealing with these issues.

      There certainly are some people who are critical of trans issues that do engage in straight up hate of trans people and that I oppose. It sometimes presents a dilemma because sometimes these people also say some insightful things as well, and I can empathize with their feelings, even as I oppose the way they choose to use their energies as I think it is counterproductive. I also don’t want to be seen as endorsing hate which I don’t, but I also don’t want to engage in silencing people, especially those that have been hurt.

      The whole discussions of trans issues is so thick with ideologues that it becomes difficult to find truth, which is what I am most interested in, and I think ideology gets in the way of truth whether it is liberal ideology, conservative ideology, rad fem ideology, trans ideology or whatever.

      These are very difficult waters to navigate and I’m not sure what the best way is.

  2. I just wanted to say that I was surprised and delighted to see you speak on these matters on TRTV. You are an amazing writer and theorist. Your compassion and thoughtfulness has changed so much for me. You help these very complex and big ideas make so much more sense, and with such humanity. It’s heartening to put a face and voice to your writing. Thank you for speaking.

    I so appreciate your patience and understanding when it comes to people seeing things differently than you do.

    Have you ever considered writing a book? I’d buy it in a heartbeat.

    Best wishes,
    Dot

    1. Thanks! It means a lot to me when someone gets a lot out of my work. Sometimes it feels like I am tilting at windmills so it is great to get such feedback.

      I am actually working on a book, more autobiographical. I am not sure when it will come out. I just started a PhD program and finding the motivation to do *even more* writing is hard. 🙂

  3. First of start with I am currently deciding what to do and about to try hrt as amab. Thank you this video was enlightening but one thing I think might be a best course of action perhaps might be a certain time (few months maybe) on hormones then stop and reassess with therapy and or at least reassess your self thought on what you are doing really. I am not disregarding your experiences in any way however all of you went through some experience to realign yourself perhaps a short term stint on hormones and a delay before a full blown transition might help the person truly decide where they are going. I do lack experience but from the sounds of it it would seem prudent to try but not go all the way medically speaking before like you kept addressing really is the spiritual/mental state of mind that is the most important but that the hrt gives a insight or stepping stone into what will become a reality if that makes sense. Call the idea compassionate gatekeeping at least to try and if really feel its not for you then a few months should not be a big physical difference yet might bring light to the persons spiritual.mental issues. Merely a thought from someone who has done a good junk of research yet no experience but also understands you need to lead a horse to water with a rope without the rope it isn’t going to happen either and that this is not that simple as a horse to water either.

    1. Some people do think going on hormones can be used a kind of diagnostic test with the idea that if someone is MTF trans they will like estrogen and if they don’t like it than they aren’t. I don’t think that is quite true, I think going on hormones only proves whether you like being on hormones or not and there is research that estrogen in general has an anti-depression effect. We also know that low sex hormones generally make people not feel good and high sex hormones can make them feel good.

      In the end of the day though, I am all about what gives the best quality of life and so if being on hormones improves quality of life then I am in favor of it, and there is evidence that some people’s quality of life is improved by cross-gender hormone treatment. Estrogen and anti-androgens can also reduce or eliminate sex drive and any associated compulsions.

      A few caveats though:

      The short-term effects of hormones aren’t the same as the long term, there can often be an initial euphoria which will dissipate as the body adjusts. Some people report that their depression or other issues go away, only to come back again after a few months or so (both with E and T). So it is important to not take the short-term effect as proof of what the long-term effects are. Unfortunately I can’t really say what time frame constitutes short vs. long.

      Also I think it is good to be like a scientist in looking at what is really happening with your mood and well-being, doing some kind of daily tracking and logging so you can notice trends and patterns, because our ideas about what is going on can sometimes be wrong.

      For myself I thought for many years after transition that estrogen was essential to my well-being and mood and I definitely felt better with it than with no hormones (though it also caused some cognitive difficulties and emotional lability) Then when I got on T, I felt absolutely euphoric for about 3 months which partly propelled me through my early detransition, but then adjusted to it and don’t feel that way anymore.

      So, it is complicated, the endocrine system in general is very complicated.

    2. Hi Jen! I can speak with experience – where it sounds like I’m a bit further ahead than you… I originally felt like I was going to “test the waters” so to speak. I was frustrated and dysphoric, but I guess I had been able to reasonably deal with it for many years. In my situation, I am married and my spouse is still with me, but struggling to deal with the current situation. I definitely found that blocking T helped to provide calmness, and reduce male characteristics (especially stopping male pattern baldness!). It also drastically reduces libido. Then I started on a low dosage of E… Even though I feel great with that regimen (which I have struggled to keep there even though I want to increase the E to a normal dosage), I also found a few other things. First, I’ve found that the act of “starting to transition” has made my dysphoria worse. I found that before, when I kept it at bay and struggled with it, but didn’t really take any meaningful steps to transition, my dysphoria was less persistently invasive. But now that I’m sort of “in between” I find my dysphoria worse and I want to go faster and do more (this pattern was touched on in the interview)…. Secondly, it’s getting harder to keep it a secret as I’m slowly changing. I am not ashamed at all at who I am, how I feel, how I identify, how I look, or how I’m changing, but I still have to respect my spouse’s state and limits. Some days I want to tell people because it’s so exciting to me, or because I want to let down my guard but I think it’s still important to take things very slowly. I continually read blogs and books and while I really think that I would be happy if I fully transitioned. However, for my spouse’s sake, I am trying to seriously consider the possibility of addressing other aspects of myself (physically and socially) without fully presenting as a woman. Now, in saying that, I recognize that it is MUCH harder to actually do since I’ve started on E. Most people find that once you start you can’t stop… so bear that in mind before starting. I was really willing to lose everything for the sake of transitioning, although I hoped it didn’t come to that. It’s also much simpler to not transition (though maybe not sufficient for all cases). I think if you give it an honest chance and don’t just push to transition quickly, you may find that reducing your testosterone might be enough on its own. Tell yourself that you’re trying to reduce your dysphoria rather than trying to transition. At any rate, there are many of us dealing with this and I wish you the best…

      1. This is a great comment, and I should have definitely added to my earlier reply that once you start experimenting it does have a chance of having a life of its own. Experimenting can change you in unpredictable ways.

        I also like your framing of reducing dysphoria rather than a goal-oriented approach towards transitioning. There is also the element of learning to accept dysphoria as well. With many negative feelings the idea that they are unacceptable can make them worse, so there is a certain element of tolerating and accepting dysphoria and recognizing that negative feelings are always a part of life.

  4. Thank you both and I really do plan on going ahead but with the idea that well basically yes test the waters maybe its a toe maybe its the foot going in whatever the case maybe only enough to mitigate the dysphoria. I think my core problem is my sexuality does not make sense to me in that I feel I am not gay but physically attracted to males and more so if I am in a feminine state of mind. Perhaps it is really just that a state of mind that needs to be fed without it controlling me. In truth the video did bring me into thinking that I am not truly a woman nor will I be yet that I do have a feminine side that needs to be given attention but not so much that it controls my whole self if that makes any sense. Basically seeking a balance and what that balance is while be discovered as it sits it seems to be a little off. Thank you again really there needs to be a lot more of two sides to the story not just one. Cannot find balance with only one side:)

    1. “I think my core problem is my sexuality does not make sense to me in that I feel I am not gay but physically attracted to males and more so if I am in a feminine state of mind.”

      A common point of confusion that pops up literally everywhere! Rather than genuine sexual attraction, in the context of this sexual imprint (fetish), it is generally the idea itself of oneself being associated to being sexually attracted to men. In the same sense that it isn’t the clothes that are sexually arousing, but the association of oneself to the wearing of such things. The association of oneself to femininity/(masochistic)emasculation.

      1. I agree this does indeed come up often however I do believe there maybe a slight misreading of what I did say. First thing the genuine sexual attraction nope I think it is indeed genuine. As for the clothing part well I do agree that is one thing yes but I also do not fully interpret my female aspect of my identity based on just clothing, makeup, etc but also on my desire to be socially (non-sexual) as a female. Is that a fetish perhaps it is just that a desire/wish or perhaps its is a side of me that has been left too long in the dark that needs to come to light at least to some degree. Perhaps I really am gay and a feminine one at that I will not totally dismiss anything at this point. However at this moment does not seem to feel right either. Lastly I do admit it is a good point I am open minded enough to consider the point for me I do feel it is more then the appearance aspect but more of the heart/mind/soul aspect, Where I will truly land I don’t know at this point but do feel the need to explore this with of course due caution not that blind as to see this may be an error in judgement if you will. But from what I have seen on this sight it does bring a refreshing other side to the story. As mentioned in the video current day options did not exist long ago but in a way some where such as soul searching perhaps through prayer/meditation I happen to be not religious but do believe I am spiritual.

        Thank you for the comment all knowledge has value and merit.
        Sadly truth is a funny thing sometimes its only the matter of perception that differentiates truth from fiction and yet sometimes it really has to be learned through practice not taught.

        1. There is an important distinction to be made between genuine sexual attraction to males (sexually responding to cues of maleness) and how males (like any other symbolism of femininity-emasculation) will figure in the context of the fetishism. It goes without saying that existing homosexual/transgender feelings may have figure in cause of the individual’s fetishism, but in the context on the fetish fantasy, a symbol is only present in so far as it a way in which one is associating oneself to what is associated as feminine-emasculating.

          Examples of common messages I receive on my tumblr porn/theory blog (NSFW!)

          “Hi i am so glad i found this site. For the first time I find others that share my fetish. I am a male of 61 and I get very arroused when woman see a homosexual feminine side to me. I don’t think I really am homosexual but the inference that I am by sexy young ladies is such a turn on. I have become impotent as far as sex with woman is concerned but I almost come when I feel this emasculation caused by the ladies seeing me as an homosexual.”

          “I’m 40 and unmarried and 5 years ago my aunt began saying to my mother that I am probably gay. I get very sexually aroused over being linked to homosexuality like that even though I’m not gay. Your site and theory helps me understand why.”

          “I’m fascinated by your insights into our fetish. I wonder though how you deal with the blended aspects of MEF and some rather genuine homoerotic desires that often accompany the fetishitic aspects of our fantasies. I’ll be straight up and tell you that my cocklust is genuine and longstanding (even since childhood), and I identify as bisexual, though my relationship experience has been exclusively heterosexual. Sissyhood is part of a D/s arrangement in my marriage which we both very much enjoy!”

          “why does it seem like most people (if not virtually all) with MEF are attracted to women? i feel like there’s gotta be a reason.”

          1. Now that I have read those examples it really did make me think as to how genuine my sexual feelings are. All I have is my perspective of course and start of with not attracted to idea of being homosexual at all yet not ruling that out. Nor am I attracted to being sexually involved with a female. Do admit I am attracted to femininity in general as far as the if there is such a thing feminine spirit versus masculine one and the social grouping between females is different then males. All that being said one thing I can think of the idea why the attraction to females is not always that simple. What I mean by that some maybe genuinely attracted to females or some maybe attracted to femininity which in essence is slightly different. What I mean by being attracted to femininity is the wanting to have that spirit or the physical characteristics of females rather then being attracted to having a female as a partner. I have no idea why I have always aspired to be female before anything sexual came to mind due to young age (?5ish) this really started. Not attracted to being emasculated either which I know sounds weird considering that I feel feminine in nature. Honestly maybe I am asexual with a fetish idea that I am female minded at this point in truth just seem confused of what I am. Once again thank you I am open to knowledge and others perspectives which maybe open my idea what the heck I really am. I hope I don’t seem to be overriding the blog with just me in mind but trying to think of giving a perspective on the subject at hand.

            1. I have definitely experienced my attraction to women as living vicariously though their bodies. It was very objectifying for them, but being with them gave me access to a female body I didn’t have. Since starting hormones and presenting as a woman my sexual interest in women has gone down significantly. My arousal from men has increased and feels more raw and real, however I find myself struggling to be attracted to them romantically and emotionally in the same way I do with women. Being trans is weird.

        2. For me, it took a very long time to figure out that I am not so much attracted to men as much as being attracted to being attracted to men if that makes sense. That was actually what eventually made me go to therapy because I kept thinking I should date men, and I definitely did feel attraction but also a simultaneous repulsion as well. I got very frustrated with this, and had a hard time forming relationships.

          Being part of the queer community, I assumed my issues were due to some left over male socialization that was causing the repulsion feelings, as I believed that all sexual fantasies were a sign of your true orientation. So I kept trying to get over my “internalized feelings of repulsion” that I assumed were due to socialization, but eventually it turned out to not actually be what I wanted. So, now I see fantasy life as sometimes being distinct from embodied sexual desire.

          Despite all this I did manage to have a couple of good relationships with men anyway, but there was always an element of ambivalence on my part.

          The authors of Your Brain on Porn talk about similar things and suggest that a way to sort this out is to figure out who it feels appealing to kiss, and really tune into your body in that moment to figure out what feels good or not.

  5. TWT,

    I recently watched your interview with Mark Cummings and Lynna Lopez on TRTV out of New Mexico.

    I am honored to learn that you apparently cited my work, in one of your papers while earning a graduate level degree. I presume in the interview you are referring to the portion in my book, the Men and Women Who Transgress Gender Norms, where I discuss the autogynephilic addiction life cycle. See URL below:
    http://www.transgression.com/Books/AcceptableLosses/OnlineMaterial/BehavioralAddiction?LanguageCode=en-CA

    Is it possible to get copy of the paper?

    G Eugene Pichler
    Transgression Film Studios
    Toronto, Ontario, Canada

    1. I will dig it up and send you to you, probably this weekend. It was for my final master’s project, which was not a strict academic paper, as it contains personal experience as well as academic ideas. I worked through a lot of these issues while I was in my master’s program and it was the capstone of that. I don’t remember specifically what I cited of yours but I did read your book and included a couple of things. It contains some of the earlier formulations of some of what I talk about on the blog.

      Good to hear from you!

    2. Do you have published research or clinical reports citations (perhaps, PDFs) where anticonvulsant medication has been used to successfully treat gender dysphoria, transsexualism, autogynphilia?

      Your behavioral addiction thesis is very interesting and I’m wondering to what extent it’s been used in practice by professionals working with individuals showing GD?

      Thank you for your work and exploration in this area.

      1. I rely on one particular research paper by Jan Walinder, Transsexualism: A study of Forty Three Cases and in particular Case #15 of the study. Case #15 discusses a man, who after undergoing anticonvulsant medication watched his proclivities towards a gender transition evaporate, only to return when the medication was stopped.
        I have published a copy of the case studies of the paper at the URL below:
        http://www.transgression.com/Assets/Downloads/symposion,%20walinder,%20a%20study%20of%20forty-three%20cases,%20case%20reports.html

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s