I haven’t wanted to write much the past few days. I am busy moving, and that is part of it. I also have been reflecting on the blog and why I write it. I felt burnt out after last week and did not want to write.
I have initially focused a lot on psychology and theory. I am glad to have written the things I have written, however much of the fruit of that seems to be to have provoked debates about psychology and theory. Discussing theory is good, but theory in and of itself is insufficient to produce growth. I fear that I may just be contributing to the incendiary discourse around these issues. There has been a lot of psychological writing on trans issues over the years, and I had read much of it during the time I identified and lived as a woman. It did not help me in any real way. Insight is also insufficient to produce change. I think particularly about reading Anne Lawrence’s book. She clearly has keen insight into her circumstances and what motivates her, however this insight does nothing to allow her to change them.
I do have a few more things to say about theory, but I think I need to focus more on personal stories and connection. This blog has not done as much as I would like in connecting with others and sharing our stories. By presenting a lot of theory, I have taken too much of an expert stance. I also need support around these issues, because detransitioning is difficult too. It is a lot like transitioning but there is no large support network around it, and the territory is much more unknown.
Also my journey is not really about gender at all, it was a very long, very slow recovery from narcissism. I was trapped in a hall of mirrors, looking for love in my own reflection, where it can never be found. The gender detransition is almost a side effect of letting go of that. I felt like I could not be myself and be loved and so constructed another identity. The ironic price of that is that it makes it impossible to experience true connection, because everything is filtered through this image. It was facing my own mortality, learning how to connect with others, discovering how to be part of a group, learning the true joy of service, and listening to my body that enabled me to let go of that identity. It was not any study of theory or psychological ideas that helped me. I think I would like to say more about that.
So I will think more about that, and what I want to say next, as I pack up and begin my move to my next adventures.